DO YOU ACT ANXIOUS OR AVOIDANT? 

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT (self-test)

• Do you question whether you want your relationship? Yes / No
• Do you feel numb, stuck, frozen, or indifferent when with your partner? Yes / No
• Do you feel you're going through the motions in your relationship but not feeling the emotions you should feel for a partner? Yes / No
• Do you passively react in your relationships rather than actively participating? Yes / No
• Do you struggle to feel attraction for your partner? Yes / No
• Do you fear settling, missing out on something better, or getting trapped in the wrong relationship? Yes / No
• Do you find yourself thinking about your ex or comparing your partner to others? Yes / No
• Do you struggle to enjoy the moment and just relax because your partner might assume you're more into them than you are, or they may expect more commitment afterward? Yes / No
• Is it hard to consistently feel excited about your partner (sometimes you think they're amazing and other times you only see their flaws), making it difficult for you to trust your feelings? Yes / No
• Do you have a strong need for alone time and feel indifferent about when you'll see your partner again? Yes / No
• Do you often engage in the relationship out of duty, obligation, or fear? Yes / No
• Do you say yes when you want to say no, hold grudges (that your partner doesn't know about), hint to but deny your anger, or use sarcasm to express how you really feel? Yes / No
• Does your partner have to pressure you before you'll open up, be vulnerable, or share your feelings and needs? Yes / No
• Do you tend to be passive about planning dates, seeking time with your partner, doing things for them, or having difficult conversations? Yes / No
• Does the idea of breaking up seem like a relief? Yes / No
• Do you struggle with a strong desire to flee or end the relationship (even though you know your partner is foundationally good)? Yes / No
• Do you feel more excited and attracted to those you can't date or keep relationships with while feeling indifferent about the people you can? Yes / No
• Do you feel preoccupied with the need to feel excited and passionate about someone (because you feel only then you'll really want to work at a relationship)? Yes / No

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, then you probably feel shame to admit these feelings but relieved to know you're not the only one. If you answered yes to five or more, you might have convinced yourself that the problem isn't you. It's either the relationship or your partner—if they were more attractive, compatible, smart, educated, fun, healthy, active, religious, social, outgoing, happy, confident, positive, etc., you wouldn't struggle to commit. You fear to set or become trapped in the wrong relationship and believe that if it doesn't feel natural, organic, or easy, it can't be right. You long to feel a strong and powerful connection (like you've felt when anxiously attached in the past), but even when initially excited, your feelings often fade within weeks or months. Although you recognize that there is a pattern to your disconnection with others, you believe there has to be a partner who wouldn't trigger these issues.

The Lasting Love Academy will explain what's driving your disconnection and irritation in relationships. Once you know what to do, you will feel more passion, experience less pressure, and have more fun. Making decisions will become easier. Increasing commitment and deepening your connection will feel less stressful, and your capacity to enjoy lasting love will grow step-by-step.

Lasting and passionate love is not something some people find and others don't. You can have the skills you need to succeed.

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4 REASONS YOU FEEL ANXIOUS OR AVOIDANT

1. Anxiety

Singles often struggle to accept anxiety as playing a significant role in their dating or relationship issues. This underlying force can push some singles toward perfection and success in their religious worship, educational goals, and career choices, while also unwittingly make them act needy, intense, critical, or unreachable in dating. It can cause them to overanalyze every decision, emotion, and action they or their partners take in relationships (signs of an anxious attachment), or it can make them feel passive, disengaged, indifferent, and numb (signs of an avoidant attachment). It can drive them to over-focus on getting and keeping a relationship (anxious attachment), or it can cause them to be plagued with doubts about whether they want the relationship (avoidant attachment).

Due to singles believing that their need for commitment is understandable or their fears of incompatibility are reasonable, they often don't see anxiety as being the true source of their problems. For instance, those with avoidant attachment often perseverate on their partner's small flaws (slightly unattractive features, or minor incompatibilities) fearing that these may lead to future problems, when the issue may actually be a sign that they're suffering from a specific type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, called Relationship OCD (or ROCD).

The Lasting Love Academy will help you understand the underlying influence of anxiety in propelling both sides of this insecure attachment cycle and what actions you can take to resolve it. You can learn to break these patterns and create secure attachments through being Available, Responsive, and emotionally Engaged (A.R.E.) with each other. 

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2. Common thinking errors

Thinking errors are quite pervasive in our society and can have a big impact on attachment.

• all-or-nothing thinking (using "always," "never," or absolutes while failing to see important exceptions)
• what if (ruminating over past choices or possible catastrophic outcomes)
• comparison trap (validating or invalidating one's worth, a partner, or your relationship through comparison rather than self-determination)
• personalization (believing one's partner is a good or bad reflection on oneself)
• perfectionism (believing personal and relationship perfection is the solution to avoiding unhappiness)
• emotional reasoning (believing that every emotion or thought is potentially important and should be given attention)
• mental filter (focusing on one thing until it obscures the bigger picture)
• "should" statements (shaming oneself or others as a means of motivation)

Thinking errors like these increase anxiety, drive insecurity, and create disconnections.

The Lasting Love Academy will help confront your thinking errors and fears, feel and act more secure, enjoy your relationship, and experience more passion.  

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3. Pressure 

Whether pressure is created internally or felt externally from others, it usually amplifies the fears of the anxiously attached and shuts down the emotions of the avoidantly attached.

For example, when an anxiously attached person feels pressure to marry (either due to their fears, concerns over the length of the relationship, or questions from others), they often experience more doubt and insecurity about their partner's feelings. This can lead to a strong need for their partner's increased validation, love, or commitment.

However, when an avoidant person feels cornered with questions about their feelings, they may instantly feel less connected without knowing why. From this pressured position, they usually aren't capable of experiencing an authentic positive emotion or respond with excitement about becoming more committed. It doesn't mean they don't feel positive emotions at other times, but when under the influence of pressure, their ability to feel positive emotions is restricted. 

The Lasting Love Academy will explain the paradox of authenticity, which drives much of the pressure the avoidantly attached feel and how both partners can overcome it. 

In truth, emotions are fairly random and prone to fluctuation. The Lasting Love Academy will help you create and maintain the feelings you desire based on your values.  

You will learn how to take take the pressure off (individually and as a couple), understand each others' positive and negative emotions, and enjoy the stage you're in (rather than rushing to later stages of relationships). This will make it easier for you both to create a strong bond, secure attachment, and deep connection. You will free yourself from society's unrealistic emotional standards.

Fortunately, lasting love is a choice and skill that you can develop!

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4. SITUATIONAL TRIGGERS AND CORE FEARS

It is common for singles to experience negative reactions to their date's driving habits, beliefs, personal issues, or physical flaws (to name a few), but these issues are often not the reason for their reactions. They are more likely responding to a personal core fear that was triggered by the situation. For example, their frustration with a partner being frequently late may be more about the fear of being powerless, embarrassed, taken for granted, or mistreated than it is about the other's tardiness.

The Lasting Love Academy will help you reveal you and your partner's underlying fears so you can address them with empathy and confidence together. You will learn how to respond to conflict in a way that keeps you Available, Responsive, and emotionally Engaged (A.R.E.) in your relationships. As they learn to solve problems together, your confidence will grow in both your partner and the relationship. You will share feelings and meet each other's deeper needs. Your frustrations and situational triggers will decrease, and the idea of living a lifetime together will bring joy. 

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About our LASTING LOVE EXPERTS

THE Nation's #1 DATING & RELATIONSHIP STRATEGIST

Alisa Goodwin Snell. M.A.

Alisa spent decades as a Marriage and Family Therapist and became the Nation's #1 Dating and Relationship Strategist. She's the author of 7 books for singles and the creator of the wildly successful Lasting Love Academy courses. Her expertise and strategies have resulted in THOUSANDS of SINGLES dating more, finding love, and getting married! But don't take our word for it. Discover What Others Are Saying and read Customer Reviews.

In all of Alisa's experience, she's never found someone’s situation so hopeless that they couldn’t be helped by the unique techniques she teaches.

You don't have to navigate your dating and relationship challenges alone! Alisa's got you covered. The skills you need are within your reach, and she can help you overcome every challenge in your way. 

After doing a thorough assessment of your history, attachment patterns, fears, and needs, Alisa will expertly craft a Lasting Love Action Plan to fit your unique situation, complete with ongoing strategy sessions, problem-solving, and support during your Lasting Love Journey. Singles achieve greater success, confidence, and results when they have the support they need through every stage of the process.

As the Nation's #1 Dating and Relationship Strategist, her services are in great demand. Consequently, she REQUIRES A HIGHER COMMITMENT LEVEL (i.e. an All-In or All-Access Program). If you are ready for Lasting Love, SCHEDULE NOW!

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