Anxious Attachment

Those with an anxious attachment suffer greatly from the emotionally intense, back-and-forth highs followed by even lower lows in their relationships. They long to feel the security, commitment, and investment they need in their relationships. They worry about whether they can get or keep the attention of a specific person or secure the commitment and relationship they desire.

The anxiously attached check their messages often, look for hidden meanings in the other's texts, words, or behavior, read numerous books, listen to relationship podcasts, and spend hours anticipating and fearing potential outcomes as they strategize with friends about the best way to proceed. 

Those with an anxiously attached pattern will engage in 1) perfectionistic and seemingly easy-going responses to hide their insecurities and avoid burdening a partner, or 2) pursuit behaviors that include frequently calling, talking about the relationship, confronting their partner's behavior, criticizing, or demanding more commitment and investment.

When the anxiously attached feel desperate to end their internal turmoil, they may threaten to break up in the hope it will force their partner to engage or commit, but they will rarely follow through due to the ongoing doubt and regret it could trigger.

Anxious Attachment: Perfectionist pattern

Those who have a perfectionistic approach often suffer in silence. They'll be consumed with concerns about whether or not they did something wrong. They worry that any expression of their feelings or needs might make the other lose interest. They fear saying no, setting boundaries, or expressing disappointment or anger. They can feel frozen or stuck when making decisions or taking action. They fear the other's reactions and conjure multiple possible negative outcomes. They will take what comes and focus on anticipating the other person's needs, feelings, fears, problems, or concerns while strategizing with friends about how to resolve each. They hope that someday their partner will see and value how hard they try and will reciprocate with more love, affection, appreciation, and commitment. 

Unfortunately, the common outcome of this pattern is that they get stuck in a too-nice, just friends, good-for-now trap or enabling relationship that supports their partner's neglect, abuse, or addictions. Their sacrifices do not and cannot yield the love they desire because the more deeply someone sacrifices, the more deeply they love.

The anxiously attached person loves deeply because they sacrifice their feelings, needs, opinions, wants, friends, family, money, time, energy, and numerous other actions for the person they desire. They may do this because they feel they have to win the other's affection, the person is too sick, shy, needy, fearful, hurt, or weak to expect more from them, or they believe that others won't call, text, invest, pursue, or commit so they have to do all the work. Their efforts, however, don't change their partner and won't make the other love them because if their partner doesn't sacrifice in meaningful ways for them, too, their partner won't feel the connection or deeper emotions that can only come after such sacrifices.

When the perfectionist partner makes the relationship easy, the other doesn't believe they have to invest, respect, or participate fully (no matter how great they are) because the perfectionist simply doesn't demand it or know they deserve it. If they are willing to do all the work, why would the passive or avoidant partner stop them? This may make the recipient of the perfectionists' affection or patience feel guilty, but knowing they should do more only makes them want to do it less. Secretly, they resist commitment, further investments, and romantic overtures because they hope a more exciting partner may come around, one who is more exciting and worthy of greater sacrifices, but as long as they don't have to give more, they will delay doing so. They also know that when the perfectionist finally tires of their indecisive and evasive actions (if the avoidant person doesn't ghost them first) and speaks up, stands up for themselves, or walks away, they will not blame them. Actually, they will be happier for them and respect them more (unless the anxious person keeps taking them back without requiring change), but until that day, they see no need to face the discomfort of their feelings or a real conversation.

Avoidant partners are not necessarily bad people (unless they are also manipulating, abusing, or exploiting) the perfectionist. They are merely taking what is easy and non-demanding and allowing it to continue, all while telling themselves that maybe they will, in time, feel what they think they should and give more then. However, that attitude ensures that they never will sacrifice more until the perfectionist has almost or entirely moved on or, better yet, changed their attitude to be more secure, self-respecting, and only willing to participate with those who match their efforts, too. 

Avoidant Attachment 

Feelings of indifference and disconnection, fears of being stuck or trapped, and concerns over attraction, compatibility, and whether they want to be with their partner are common challenges for those who have an avoidant attachment pattern. They will blame their lack of passion on their date or partner and state that they will have no problem committing when they feel the needed excitement that will help them to sacrifice deeply. when with the right partner. Only then will the relationships feel easy and natural. If they have to force themselves to take action, the relationship must be wrong.

Others may accuse them of looking for a unicorn, but they often argue that there are plenty of exceptional men or women who fit what they desire. Unfortunately, these individuals are in a relationship or don't feel the same for them, but they would rather wait for the right person than settle.

Often, time will have to pass, along with several real (or potentially) good relationships, before the avoidant person will believe that the problem might be them, too. They are not trying to be difficult, and they are not indifferent about getting into a relationship. They feel lonely and do want companionship. They just don't feel what they think they should feel or have felt before (whether from unrequited love, a former partner, or a tumultuous relationship). Committing to a relationship without these feelings makes them fear they'll miss out on something better. They (and their partners) are often smart, socially skilled, kind, and responsible. If they could make themselves feel stronger emotions, they would be willing. They don't know what's wrong or why the relationship doesn't feel right. And they don't know what to do to change this. 

Avoidant Attachment: Perfectionist pattern

Those who fit an avoidant perfectionist pattern are usually kind, willing to engage, and concerned about the feelings of their date or partner. They are aware of others' needs and anxious about leading them on. Many have been in committed relationships and felt so guilty about their inability to commit or marry their partner that they dread doing this to another person. 

Avoidant perfectionists are regularly perceived to be amazing due to their overall goodness, attractive appearance, education, or professional success. Others frequently offer to set them up, ask about their relationships, and fawn over why they aren't married. Avoidant perfectionists are as unable to answer this question as they are because, from their point of view, they are doing their part. They want to get married (often sooner rather than later), but they don't want to be unhappy, settle, feel regret, or lead others on when they aren’t as into them as their partner deserves. 

The perfectionists' dates or partners will typically express that their avoidant partners are generally good, caring, and respectful. Their partner's only complaint is that the person is either unable to say they love them, struggles with meeting family, or resists progressing to marriage. This is due to the avoidant person’s fear of entrapping themselves deeper in a relationship. Out of a sense of duty and to avoid hurting their partner, the perfectionist will maintain regular phone calls, texts, and consistent time and activities together. Nevertheless, they keep their weekly efforts to the minimum necessary to sustain the relationship. Because their actions are more obligatory than reflecting a confident desire to see their partner, have fun, or enjoy time together, they often ruminate about why they don’t or can’t feel more excited. They are with a good person who treats them, and yet they fear being more invested.

What they and others don't see is that the pressure (the avoidant person places on themselves to feel what they think they should) actually creates a paradox that causes them to question the sincerity of anything that they do feel. As they analyze their feelings, they minimize and change their emotional experiences, but rarely for the better. You will learn more about the 4 Things that Drive Anxious and Avoidant Attachments later, but for now, it's important to acknowledge that positive experiences and connections are being built but are then diminished or dismissed quickly.

The avoidant person is capable of achieving attachment, but by comparing their current emotions to those of previous relationships or the exaggerated standards presented through social media and movies, they marginalize their attachment and feel anxiety or dread. Their previous experiences with infatuated love are also a standardized yardstick by which no secure relationship compares. Upon a deeper analysis, however, it is evident that these intense emotions were more common in toxic relationships with someone who was manipulative or when they were on the anxious side of the attachment cycle with someone who was more avoidant than them. The high and low, up and down, push and pull of these relationships made them feel alive, even painfully so, but this isn't how healthy relationships work.

Secure attachments don’t create the intense feelings characterized by the anxious side of the attachment pattern. Nor do they trigger the indifference of the avoidant. Instead, they enjoy steady, consistent, and predictably good emotions with moderate highs and lows that remind them that they are genuinely attached and better together.

Unfortunately, for the avoidant person, once a secure relationship develops, they often begin to feel bored. Their underlying anxiety convinces them that they must not actually care about their partner. Since they believe that feeling a desperate desire for a partner is the sure sign of their love, they become increasingly more passive in the relationship, doing only the bare minimum to keep it going while they sort out their feelings. Since being passive makes them feel more passionless, their feelings of indifference increase. If, within a few weeks, they don’t magically swing into an anxious attachment with its compelling feelings, their doubts will deepen, and their desire to end the relationship will increase. In time, and often sooner rather than later, their pattern of going through the motions without feeling the emotions becomes too great to ignore, so they will either speak up (which is rare) or break up. 

As the perfectionists prepare to end the relationship, they may timidly express concern and recommend that their incompatibility is too great to continue. However, this often leads to practical discussions, questions, and encouragement from their partner, so they feel compelled to keep trying, all while their ongoing discomfort and nagging doubts grow.

By the time they finally call it quits (with a clear conscience that they have done all they can), they feel tremendous relief from the pressure and responsibility. The fact that their partner is suffering saddens them, but their gratitude that the decision is made feels liberating. This relief does not last, however, because, within a few weeks, they often discover that real signs of attachment appear, as evidenced by their feelings of doubt, loneliness, and aching loss.

Now that the avoidant’s feelings have the freedom to shift toward an anxious attachment, they are surprised to feel the insecurity and longing that comes with it. In these cases, they may seek out their partner to get back together. If their partner (and rightfully so) begins to act anxiously attached, the perfectionist will quickly feel trapped and repeat the old cycle again. However, if their partner shifts to a more secure and appropriately tentative stance that is slightly on the more avoidant side of the scale, the avoidant person will begin to feel anxiously attached and be more willing to prove their devotion (both to themselves and their partner). In many ways, they both prefer this since it provides the needed reassurance, sacrifices, vulnerability, and commitment from the perfectionist that was lacking. The more action the avoidant person takes, the more passion and confidence they feel.

In healthy relationships, both partners get to experience periodic episodes in which they feel anxiously excited emotions on one side of the pendulum and independent confidence on the other. As long as these mild shifts remain mostly secure and both parties get the opportunity to experience the beneficial emotions on each side, they will remain confident in their overall attachment. It is not wise for one person to be anxious all the time or the other avoidant. This means that the anxious partner needs to learn to engage differently, too, for both of their sakes. 

In time, the overall goodness of the relationship and the sheer logic that the avoidant's partner is a compatible choice may slowly drag the perfectionist to commit and marry their partner. Often, this results from an anxious partner being ready to break up if they don't progress. Although this is less desirable, it helps them to get to a better place overall, especially since the relationship is otherwise good. The avoidant partner will continue to have periodically intense anxiety or panic as they get closer to the wedding date.

Fortunately, most perfectionists have little tolerance for toxic relationships and manipulative partners who demonstrate numerous red-flag behaviors. An avoidant's internal emotional turmoil will weed out such individuals early due to their tendency to depend on overanalysis and primarily logical decisions. This means that their relationships are usually compatible, supportive, and emotionally stable. Perfectionists may long for intense emotions, but their decision-making in the past does not reflect impulsivity. Subsequently, their lives are typically stable and responsible. When they see that methodical decision-making has served them well in the past, they often determine that a similar approach in marriage is more likely to work for them, too. Fortunately, once they have been married for a few months, the anxiety and doubt they felt during the engagement start to diminish. Several months later, it is common for them to say that the hardest part of being married was the decision because living with their partner is a joy.

The fact that the perfectionist can resolve their doubts and get married isn't as simple as it seems. If it were, they would have solved it sooner. There are many techniques and strategies that are often essential to their progress. The concepts and actions they need are spread throughout the Lasting Love Academy's dating and relationship courses. Thus, those who relate to the avoidant perfectionist pattern simply need to continue with the appropriate courses to discover the tools and skills they need. 

Avoidant Attachment: Withdraw or Run 

The avoidantly attached who have a withdrawal or run pattern are not just internally conflicted, which shuts down their emotional connections like the perfectionist experience. They are prone to abandoning relationships based on unidentified emotions. The perfectionist will do this, too, but there are significant differences between the two.

The vulnerability and engagement needed to encourage and participate in a relationship is something both the perfectionists and those who withdraw share. However, those who withdraw and run typically have less emotional insight. Whereas perfectionists who fail to commit will eventually end the relationship (if their partners don't first), those with withdrawal or run patterns are less likely to have long-term relationships for several reasons. 

Both the perfectionists and those who withdraw can be superficial about their reasons for staying or leaving a potential partner, but the withdrawers are more willing to engage with dates or partners who are more dramatic, exciting, and less stable due to the emotional thrill and highs and lows such relationships can create. They enjoy the thrill of being on the anxious side of the attachment cycle enough to put up with or excuse red flags in a partner (at least for a few months). However, at the first sign of vulnerability from their partner in which emotional reciprocity is needed, they may shut down or react with offense to justify their disengagement or abandonment.

This doesn’t mean that they don’t care, but that managing their anxiety, vulnerability, and discomfort is easier to do when they don’t need or rely on others. Additionally, they are often unaware of their emotions, thoughts, and triggers and are so reactive to them that they shut down and disengage rather than respond to the immediate needs of the situation. This can result in them failing to take action before the connection and opportunity pass, sometimes irreparably. They may later ruminate over the one who got away but still fail to participate or re-engage when the opportunity presents itself. It is not uncommon for them to respond to the emotional demands of their partner with anger and resentment while stating, "I just don't understand what they want," or "they are asking for too much and being unreasonable." Their partner may feel rejected and resentful because they believe their requests are reasonable, and the avoidant person is just unwilling to engage fully or provide what they need. Since their anxious partner may be more emotionally reactive or unstable, it is easy for the avoidant person to conclude that the other person is to blame, not them.

Those who withdraw or run will often manage their emotions or fears of vulnerability by using passive-aggressive comments, mind-reading, punishment tactics, silent treatment, or threats of breaking up. However, they don't usually want to end the relationship as much as they just feel overwhelmed by the emotions, anger, fear, or justification they feel. Thus, when they emotionally disconnect, they will start or perpetuate arguments and avoid contact while also staying engaged enough for the anxious partner to see them and potentially pursue them again. It is their partner's pursuit behaviors that reassure the avoidant person of their value. It makes them feel less vulnerable and more willing to participate. 

Sometimes, their conflict between the avoidant and their now anxious (rather than secure) partner will expose both parties’ deeper feelings, needs, or frustrations, which briefly stabilizes the relationship in a more secure way. Unfortunately, this type of stability frequently depends upon more instability to trigger the necessary communication. If they don't learn new ways to respond to each other's shared vulnerability (if the avoidant person can identify their feelings and needs and be vulnerable), they will continue this dance until the relationship becomes too painful for one or the other.

Some anxious and avoidant people only feel comfortable with attachment experiences that have dramatic cycles of push and pull or off-and-on again patterns. This may represent the only types of attachments they have seen or experienced before. This makes secure attachment experiences uncomfortable and boring, at least until they learn to enjoy them. 

Those who fear the vulnerability and dependence they experience in relationships will often try to maintain power and control in their relationships. Some do this through criticism and demands (which is an anxious pursuit behavior). This may seem like a powerful position; however, a basic truth in relationships is the person who cares the least is the one who has the most control. Consequently, the avoidant person's withdrawal is the more powerful position. An anxious person can not make a partner engage, share, sacrifice, or stay. They can only make the avoidant person wish that they had. Additionally, the opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Since the avoidant person is less likely to engage fully, they have the most control, and the apathy they experience from their passivity adds to the power they wield. Thus, the anxious person's only power is to care less than the avoidant person and be ready to run, too.

The avoidant person does care, although, so when the pendulum swings too far, they will do just enough to prevent either person from going too far as long as they still land on the avoidant side of the attachment pendulum. 

Because caring the most hurts, often both partners will start to hide their feelings to win the prize of being the one who cares the least. They do this by vying for the most disengaged and independent position in the relationship. This becomes a battle for power that ensures no one wins or feels secure, which means they both lose until one of them is willing to temporarily assume the vulnerable position of needing the other and offer pursuit behaviors (such as calling, engaging, crying, showing weakness, or asking for help or support).

This anxious/avoidant dance will either abruptly end, increase tension with sometimes aggressive results (from either partner), or bring one or both partners to counseling. Until they both learn to give and receive vulnerability, emotional sharing, and secure attachment behaviors, the pattern will not change, even if they break up. Because secretly, they both want and need the other, they may attempt brief resurrections of the relationship until someone is willing to be the anxious partner a majority of the time.

Although this pattern of maintaining distance with relative closeness can occur for decades in some relationships, more often than not, the one who has the pervasive, avoidant pattern of withdrawing or running will only achieve short-term relationships. They will also have increasingly longer gaps between their dating or relationship experiences. Their passive behavior, excuses, and scrutiny of potential partners will continue to grow until they accept responsibility for internal growth and self-awareness and engage in consistent attachment behavior and real vulnerability.   

Fortunately, the avoidant person can overcome the many thinking errors, comparisons, distractions, and disconnecting behaviors that perpetuate this self-destructive relationship pattern. Through counseling or coaching, they can identify their core needs, fears, feelings, triggers, and disconnected, withdrawn, and running behavior. They can learn how to be vulnerable, communicate effectively, and find win/win solutions for developing and maintaining secure attachment patterns.

Both the anxious and avoidant partners will need outside help and support if they are to create and maintain the secure attachment behaviors and personal emotional regulation behaviors that they need. The problem isn’t their partner or them, but their pattern of managing their triggers and attachment behaviors.

Those who are willing to engage in self-reflection and are capable of empathizing with others often grow in their desire and willingness to improve their relationship skills. Nevertheless, old habits often threaten to return without better tools. Since those who are avoidant are less inclined to read books or consistently apply the concepts on their own, they need to seek professionals who will give them the feedback, information, and skills that will break these patterns and create secure ones.

A secure attachment pattern depends on many things, including two partners who have enough Empathy, Self-control, and Personal responsibility (or E.S.P.) to understand the other’s perspective and engage in the needed changes. When a partner acts anxious, the other person is more likely to feel avoidant, and vice versa. However, when either partner chooses to see the other's perspective and consistently reacts with secure personal and attachment attitudes or behaviors, the other will struggle to maintain the old cycle. The old reactions and patterns will run out of the needed energy to maintain themselves when in the presence of a consistently secure and emotionally engaged response. If the secure behavior is inviting enough, their partner may match their efforts, and new patterns may be developed. 

You will learn more about the secure skills you need to succeed in creating better dating and relationships as you progress through the Lasting Love Academy courses, but for now, you need to understand the 4 Things that Drive Anxious and Avoidant Attachment patterns by progressing to the next lesson.

Don't let yourself become too overwhelmed. Take it one day, one lesson, one skill, one stage at a time. If you do this, you will be amazed at how much progress you will make.

You can have the power and skills you need to succeed!

4 Reasons You Feel Anxious or Avoidant

1. Anxiety

Anxiety is often hard for singles to accept as playing a major role in their dating or relationship struggles. This underlying force can push some singles for perfection and success in their religious worship, educational goals, and career choices while also unwittingly making them act needy, intense, critical, or unreachable in dating. It can cause them to overanalyze every decision, emotion, and action they (or their partners) take in relationships (signs of anxious attachment), or it can make them feel passive, disengaged, indifferent, and numb (signs of an avoidant attachment). It can drive them to over-focus on getting and keeping a relationship (anxious attachment) or cause them to be plagued with doubts about whether they want the relationship (avoidant attachment). Due to their belief that their need for commitment is understandable or their fears of incompatibility are reasonable, they often don’t see anxiety as being the true source of their problems. For instance, those with avoidant attachment often perseverate on their partner’s small flaws (slightly unattractive features or minor incompatibilities), fearing that these may lead to future problems when the issue may actually be a sign that they’re suffering from a specific type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, called Relationship OCD (or ROCD).

Through understanding the underlying influence of anxiety in propelling both sides of this insecure attachment cycle, singles can learn to break their patterns and create secure attachments by being Available, Responsive, and emotionally Engaged with each other. They can also learn to discern the difference between when they are feeling a spirit impression versus their anxiety (as highlighted in I’m Anxious - So Let’s Break Up). Through understanding their feelings, thoughts, and relationship issues with an attachment perspective that respects their unique differences and ability to meet each other's needs, they can decide to choose the relationship based on its merits or walk away with confidence since they are now able to understand and manage the unrelenting thoughts their anxiety and obsessions create.

2. Common thinking errors

Thinking errors are quite pervasive in our society. Here are a few that I see most often:

• all-or-nothing thinking (using "always," "never," or absolutes while failing to see important exceptions)
• what if (ruminating over past choices or possible catastrophic outcomes)
• comparison trap (validating or invalidating one’s worth or relationship through comparison rather than self-determination)
• personalization (believing one’s partner is a reflection of oneself)
• perfectionism (believing personal and relationship perfection is the answer and solution to avoiding unhappiness)
• emotional reasoning (believing that every emotion or thought is potentially important and should be given attention)
• mental filter (focusing on one thing until it obscures the bigger picture)
• "should" statements (shaming oneself or others as a means of motivation)

In the 3 Dangers of Dating the Best, I talk about the role of perfectionism, personalization, and the comparison trap, but all of the thinking errors above create problems. Not only do these thinking errors increase anxiety, but they also drive singles to act in more anxious or avoidant ways. Recognizing these and other thinking errors is critical to discerning the difference between irrational thoughts and balanced thoughts. Through confronting these thinking errors, both the anxious and avoidant often find it easier to 1) choose their thoughts and then 2) choose their love and love their choice.

3. Pressure

Whether pressure is created internally or felt externally from others, it usually amplifies the fears of the anxiously attached and shuts down the emotions of the avoidantly attached. For example, when an anxiously attached person feels pressure to marry (either due to their fears, concerns over the length of the relationship, or from others' questions), they often feel more doubt and insecurity about their partner’s feelings. This can lead to a strong need for their partner’s increased validation, love, or commitment. However, when an avoidant person feels cornered with questions about their feelings, they may instantly feel less connected without knowing why. From this pressured position, they usually don’t feel an authentic ability to express strong positive emotions or to respond with excitement about becoming more committed. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel positive emotions at other times, but when under the influence of pressure, their ability to feel positive emotions is restricted. This phenomenon is best explained by the Be Spontaneous Paradox, in which an authentic reaction or emotion is expected immediately and spontaneously, which is paradoxically impossible since the ability to be authentic requires spontaneity, which cannot be forced or created on demand. In other words, if someone is told, “Give me your most sincere laugh right now,” they would be incapable of doing so since all their efforts would feel insincere. This is why an avoidant person can’t share positive emotions on demand, either.

The problem is that most people mistakenly believe that only spontaneous emotions are relevant. This causes them to scrutinize their and their partner’s emotions, taking them very personally. The truth is, emotions are fairly random, but they can consistently be changed if: 1) the person takes action, and 2) their emotions are not being scrutinized (by themselves or others). A good example of this can include going to church or providing service in the community. A strong desire to do each of these is not required. Not surprisingly, once the action is taken, the person often feels positive emotions (and if not, they don’t interpret it as meaning that the activity was wrong but just that it is normal to not always feel excited about it).

When singles learn to take the pressure off together as a couple, normalize each others' positive and negative feelings, and enjoy the stage they are in (rather than rushing to later stages of dating), they find it easier to create strong bonds, secure attachments, and deep connections.

4. Situational Triggers (core fears)

It is common for singles to experience negative reactions to their date’s driving habits, beliefs, personal issues, or physical flaws (to name a few), but these issues are often not the reason for their reactions. They are responding to a personal core fear that was triggered by the situation. For example, their frustration with a partner being frequently late may be more about the fear of being powerless, embarrassed, taken for granted, or mistreated than it is about the other’s tardiness. When the underlying fear is exposed, it is easier for them and their partner to respond in a secure way that demonstrates their willingness to be Available, Responsive, and emotionally Engaged in their relationships (A.R.E.)** as they solve problems together as a couple. This is the secret ingredient to breaking the anxious and avoidant attachment pattern--sharing feelings, talking about fears, and making efforts to meet each other’s deeper needs. By doing this, singles learn to increase trust and mutual interdependence.

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Together, they are industry leaders with passion and an innate ability to clearly see the obstacles that prevent a person from succeeding in their dating and relationship pursuits. Alisa and Todd do so without any of the fluff and hype that's so prevalent in the industry today. Just tried and true techniques—For Real People, Real Life, Real Love! These techniques have benefited thousands of singles, couples, and families for over 30 years! They will help you, too!

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