Reveal My Partner's Hidden Needs
Part 4: Their hidden needs
YOUR PARTNER'S HIDDEN NEEDS
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1. You're both right—neither of you is wrong.
Men and women do not desire to make the other unhappy, but common misunderstandings about their individual needs can lead to distrust of the other's intentions. Both can feel they are right, justified in their actions, and entitled to specific things from their partner. As they grow in resentment, anger, and hurt over their differences or unmet (and often uncommunicated) expectations, they can get trapped in a push and pull pattern of anxious and avoidant behaviors.
You can break these patterns and create a secure attachment through communicating and listening to your partner's deeper needs, fears, and feelings. As you grow in your awareness of your partner's perspective, you will see that neither of you is wrong and both are right. From this foundation, you will focus on being effective in the relationship rather than being right and proving your point. You will develop essential tools for solving problems and creating win/win solutions.
2. Men need faith and trust—women need safety and security.
Because men do not feel the same level of vulnerability that women experience (physically, financially, and sexually), they often don't understand how important safety and security are to women. Likewise, because men live in a world of competition and aggression with other men, women are often surprised that men crave and need faith and trust. Unfortunately, these needs regularly clash.
As a woman pushes for safety and security (because she doesn't feel a man's taking action soon enough), she may act in a way that makes him think she doesn't trust him (i.e., nagging him to commit or solve a problem her way). When she asks questions about his decisions or his past, he can feel cornered as if she questions his judgment (which is partially true). She wants to trust him and hopes he'll prove that she can, but she needs answers if she is to feel certain. Most men understand that respect is earned and are willing to jump through reasonable hoops to build it; however, as a woman's doubts or nagging persists, a man fears she'll never trust him and questions if it would be better to break up and find an easier relationship.
You can communicate in a way that is friendly to the male and female psychology. You will trust your partner's empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility and develop a secure attachment through being available, responsive, and emotionally engaged. Your relationship will become fun again with lots of positives. You'll have faith and confidence in both your relationship and conflict-resolution skills.
3. Men need to feel like a success—women need to feel empowered.
Early in life, men are conditioned to be independent and responsible. They are encouraged to compete, face challenges, succeed, and conquer. Although not all men fit this ideal, they feel better about themselves when they do. This is why men often resist being pushed or driven by others, take pride in doing things their way, are more committed when they want something and pursue it, and are initially defensive when challenged. It's not that men need to have power and control since most men don't want to dominate or suppress others. They just want to be respected, viewed as competent, and feel like a success.
Women like being soft, feminine, and nurturing, but this can be hard in a world where one in three women are victims of sexual assault and stories abound of men who betray, abuse, or abandon women and their children. They want love and marriage but fear to be powerless if they depend and rely on a man and worry that they might be better off on their own. This is unfortunate since jerks are in the minority, and the average man is trustworthy, compassionate, and willing to share power and control. These men are drawn to the gentleness of women and feel the most successful in their lives when a woman acts feminine and trusting with them. This does not mean she has to submit or be silent. Men like women who assert their feelings and needs, and they want women to feel confident and empowered in their lives. They just need to know that she sees them as a success and trusts their goodness too.
You can put to rest your distrust of the opposite sex and fears of depending on each other through recognizing your partner's empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility (the lack of which would indicate a significant warning sign). As you understand the common differences between men and women, trust your partner's overall goodness, and express your needs, you will both feel successful and empowered in your relationship. You will experience the joy, security, strength, and trust that love can bring. You can do this!
4. Men like femininity—women like strength.
Men and women are greatly affected by femininity and masculinity. Men love softness, touch, patience, appreciation, a warm smile, encouragement, curves, and some sensuality. Similarly, women are impressed by strength, protectiveness, trustworthiness, drive, ambition, hard work, good posture, loyalty, self-control, and respect. When men and women offer each other these behaviors, it increases the passion, playfulness, and excitement they feel for the other.
Many singles struggle with acting feminine or masculine because they feel their appearance and mannerisms are too different from the ideal, or they believe those who exude these characteristics are superficial, players, and insincere. This is unfortunate since masculinity and femininity do not need to be flashy or attention-seeking and can have a powerful effect in one-on-one interactions.
You can unlock the strength and confidence or softness and femininity that are an inherent part of your human nature. As you find ways to make these behaviors your own, you will develop greater enjoyment in their expression and the reactions of your partner.
5. Men want to be needed and appreciated—women need to be wanted and adored.
A man who is not needed and appreciated will question where he belongs and whether his sacrifices matter. He wants to be a hero and make others happy. He does not want to be burdened by unreasonable demands or feel dumped on, but he does want to know others depend on him, and his presence would be missed. He resists burdening others, but he knows he needs them too. When a woman responds to his sacrifices with love, affection, appreciation, and fun, he feels she cares about his needs and happiness as well.
Women enjoy nurturing others and often overwhelm themselves with the responsibilities of life and caretaking. Unfortunately, when a woman's life becomes stressful and hectic, she can feel resentful that her partner isn't doing more and question his love for her. She wants to feel wanted, not needed, and be his sweetheart, not taken for granted. When she complains or criticizes him for not being more loving, he usually feels less motivated, understood, and appreciated for what he does.
You can express your needs and pursue your partner's attention in a confident, playful, and attractive way that makes them want you more. You can learn to influence (not manipulate) and depend and rely on each other (without overburdening the other). And when your partner needs to reject you, you can handle it in a way that makes them want you more.
6. Men bond through doing activities—women through talking about problems—and both enjoy sharing feelings and ideas.
Men feel physiologically more anxious and distressed during difficult conversations than women feel. This is why they prefer to bond through doing or talking about things and activities. However, women feel emotionally and physiologically distressed when they don't talk about the people and problems that are causing them anxiety (including their partner and the relationship). Although such conversations are less desirable for men, when the discussion becomes elevate to talking about mutual feelings and ideas, they enjoy communication and feel more connected as well.
You can solve problems in your relationship and life in a way that increases all three levels of bonding. You can have more fun, forgive each others' weaknesses, share your feelings and ideas with mutual trust and respect, resolve conflict, develop greater confidence, and feel gratitude for the lessons you learn and closeness your gain.
DON'T STOP NOW! You can get immediate ACCESS to all of these RED LINKS, so let's BEGIN YOUR LASTING LOVE JOURNEY TODAY!
The audios, videos, articles, and techniques you need are available within the Lasting Love Academy for as little as $57 per month.
There's a 30-Day Money-Back Guarantee, so you have nothing to lose—but love.
AFTER ALL, you, your happiness, and a lifetime of love are worth the investment!
Alisa Goodwin Snell, M.A.
Benefit from Alisa's nearly 30 years of experience as a Marriage & Family Therapist and Dating & Relationship Strategist as she shares the essentials for Lasting Love. Learn more about the Lasting Love Academy, our free podcasts, and coaching services at LastingLoveAcademy.com.