You're amazing! Why aren't you married?

If you're like a lot of singles, one of the hardest questions to answer or statements to respond to is, "You're amazing! I can't understand why you're still single," or "How are you not married yet?" There are so many different versions of this. The difficulty with such statements, although they're well-intending, is you really don't know how to respond to them. 

There are so many different things that single struggle with in the process of meeting, becoming exclusive, creating a secure attachment or connection, and getting married that it's not as easy as it seems. And simply being amazing isn't enough to guarantee that you're going to get married. For most of the singles that I work with, they really legitimately don't know why they're still single. There's not this glaringly obvious problem that they can explain is the reason why they're single. And why would they tell someone about some difficult problem that they don't know very well anyway? So it's just one of the most difficult questions to hear when people ask, "You're amazing! Why are you still single?" But along the lines of that, I do want to help answer that question. 

My name is Alisa Goodwin Snell from the Lasting Love Podcast. I was a Marriage and Family Therapist for 17 years. I wrote books for singles in the middle of the time I was a Marriage and Family Therapist. Then I made the transition to just doing dating and relationship strategies and coaching. I created all of the videos, audios, books, and materials that are part of the Lasting Love Academy courses. Check out the LastingLoveAcademy.com, where you can take advantage of my 30 years of expertise and extensive Lasting Love Academy for as little as $27 a month. It just depends on the results you want to get. So welcome to the Lasting Love Podcast, where we feature real life, real people, and real love. 

I began performing Marriage and Family Therapy as a young woman at the age of 23, so my career and passion for lasting love began in the 90s. About 10 to 15 years into that experience, I was working a lot with singles, and one of the things I was most baffled by was how these amazing singles seem to be struggling so much with either committing in a relationship or getting and keeping the attention of the people that they were really interested in. 

Particularly, I was focused on these couples who really seemed to be intelligent, socially aware, and very dateable, and yet they kept recycling through relationships with a lot of doubts, breakups, uncertainty, and fear of settling when they were obviously so well suited for each other. I just couldn't understand what was holding them back, and I kept thinking, certainly, there's a program out there with a solution. I just needed to be able to find that solution and refer my clients for it. I just could not find it, so eventually, I turned to some of my clients and created a podcast on, He's Amazing and Still Single. That was one of my most popular podcasts because it really resonated with people and how they perceived and viewed themselves and their situation. As I talked with these three men in the podcast and refined what I saw as the challenges that they were experiencing, I created a program that focused specifically on helping them to understand the thinking errors, situational triggers or core fears that were underneath those triggers, the anxiety, and the pressure that they were experiencing and was holding them back from committing in these relationships. 

So we are going to be focusing today on my experience with Jana. She is a 32-year old single woman who has never been married. She had a decent education and career. I think she would have always thought she could have accomplished more. She expected a lot of herself, and she was really looking for somebody who was amazing. She feared settling, so Jana came to me with this history of partially dating the wrong kinds of guys. Those were the ones she tended to be most excited about, but that logical part of her that knew what she was looking for, what she should be looking for, who she should be with, the kind of person she should be with, meant that when she was in these highly attractive relationships with the people who were more of the bad boy or not compatible with her, she had a really hard time saying goodbye because the chemistry was so good. She could not logically say yes and commit to them either because she knew better or she was afraid of settling. So she was caught in a terrible tug of war within herself of just feeling like when she's with them, that passion and intensity that she craves and longs for, and doesn't feel with very many people, is so enticing. And yet, at the same time, it feels so forbidden, a very common pattern when people are struggling with the bad boy dynamic. And this isn't a commentary on whether or not they were were not the bad boy. But the reality was, there were a lot of things, either because of empathy issues that she saw, or self-control, or personal responsibility issues that she saw with these people, or just basic lifestyle differences, religious differences, or she really knew that her family didn't like them, and they saw him as a jerk. Those kinds of things. So it's a really common pattern. When someone isn't good for you, or you shouldn't be with them, you want them even more. So it was confusing for her because when she would date the quote, unquote, good guys, the guys that she should be with, the ones that everyone thought she would be perfect with, when she would date those guys, she'd get really bored with them. She would worry about whether or not she was settling. She knew what it felt like to be excited about someone. She knew that she could feel those feelings. When she was with these good guys, she kind of forced herself to keep going in the relationship. If you were actually to look at her interacting with them, she'd be kind, and they'd get along well, be good friends. It didn't make sense that she'd feel so torn about being with them because it looks like she's actually enjoying the relationship and is quite good to them. But inwardly, she just really struggled with this question of, "But am I really attracted to them? Do I really have enough chemistry? I don't know if we laugh as much as we should laugh, or I've laughed with other people? Or I keep thinking about my ex, and so what does that say about how I feel about him if I keep thinking about my ex?" And these nagging questions that she struggled with just made her believe that she knew all along, this was not the right relationship. She would fight against this idea of whether or not she was just forcing herself to be in this relationship while worrying it wasn't right. She would fight against that and go months into the relationship and let it linger and linger and linger until finally, she just couldn't handle it anymore. She would break up because she just felt like she wasn't being authentic enough, she wasn't listening to herself enough, and the pressure was building. She didn't want to waste her time. She didn't want to waste their time. And then when she would see that she was hurting them, and sometimes they would even get far enough to be talking about marriage, she just felt terrible about that afterward and the fact that she had taken so long.

I share these details because for so many of my clients, this is the first time they've heard their story told, and it's about somebody else. They had no idea how normal or common this kind of thinking and struggle actually is. It's enlightening for them to feel hope that there is a way to solve this. They can progress past this, and that someone will understand where they're coming from. 

Also, if you're listening to this, and you're thinking of someone that you know, now you can see more into their thoughts and experiences and understand that they're just not trying to be difficult and unreasonable and unsympathetic, but that they're truly struggling with these deeper feelings and doubt. For many people, what they will say to me at the beginning of working together is, well, I felt strong feelings before. So I know I can feel them again. I'm not going to waste my time being in a relationship with someone who I don't feel those strong feelings for. That's not fair to me. That's not fair to them. And so they hold on year after year, looking for those experiences, where they'll go on dozens of dates, and they're rarely impressed, rarely attracted, rarely excited. They could go to an event with 100 people, and they might struggle to find one or two attractive. They find it really easy to talk themselves out of being excited about anybody. Then when they are excited about that person, it feels like such a cold drink of water in a desert that they just can't let go of the idea of having that again. 

So my job isn't to convince them one way or the other, whether or not they should or shouldn't feel these things or they should settle and just live with less because it's a better quality person that they would be dating. My job isn't to convince them of that but to help them to understand what is actually happening for them. So what we're describing when somebody is super excited and infatuated with someone else, is typically a sign of somebody who's having more of an Anxious Attachment. 

If you go to LastingLoveAcademy.com I've got a lot of information on this, and you'll also find other podcasts on the anxious and avoidant attachment. So please tune in next week and keep tuning in. to learn more and to understand what the Anxious and Avoidant Attachment pattern is. 

Jana needed to understand that she was looking for an Anxious Attachment, that infatuation and feeling of just craving the touch, time, validation, and approval of the other person; plus, also worrying about the relationship, worrying about whether or not the person is calling, what does it mean that they have or haven't heard from them, what is the person doing, what are they feeling about her. All of those things are part of that Anxious Attachment, that feeling of being in love. It's what songs and movies are made out of, but that's not real life, real people, and real love. Even in those highly infatuated relationships, within a few months, they're moving partially out of that and into a secure relationship. And she has had those before, and she could readily admit, "Yes, I have felt that kind of infatuation, and then I've just lost that feeling for the person." 

When I looked closely at the pattern of the people she was really excited about, the ones that she thought the most about, worried about what they were doing, and regretted not being with them. When we looked closely at that pattern, those people tended to push her away, be less available, less empathetic. They had less personal responsibility. They had self-control problems. They did things that drove her crazy, which was part of the reason why she felt such a strong sense of infatuation with them. Anyway, there were things that they were doing that actually contributed to her feeling really insecure in the relationship and staying in the relationship far longer, knowing, "I probably shouldn't be with this person, but I just can't let them go. I've got to win them over." 

When she was with somebody who had initially started off with a really high attraction, but then the person became really into her, or they became more secure in the relationship, she would quickly lose interest. She had learned through her childhood experiences that love was attached to pain, that secure attachments were attached to boredom, and a fear of being trapped. So she thought that she had an Anxious Attachment. 

The difference between an Anxious Attachment versus an Avoidant Attachment is someone with an Anxious Attachment knows that they want this relationship. Someone with an avoidant attachment is more concerned about, "Well, do we really want that. I don't know if I'm really feeling what I should be feeling. I don't know if I'm really attracted to them, interested in them, compatible with them." That person is more on the fence and more passive in the relationship. Secure relationships are like a fun seesaw, where I push off the ground and am a little vulnerable, and you respond in a way that's kind, and you push off the ground and are vulnerable, and you invest, and I invest in you. We play fair, participate, and share, and maybe it's a little boring for other people, but it's so steady, consistent, predictable, reliable, and good that somebody who's used to a secure attachment just thinks it's delightful and wonderful. But somebody who's used to the drama would think that that is lacking the spice and enthusiasm and excitement that they're looking for. This was the problem with her. She had experienced early in dating that longing for somebody who was unavailable, somebody who moved away, somebody who pushed her away, didn't want her, cheated on her, or lied to her. She had experienced that early on and attached that intense feeling with what it means to love and the need and desire to win their love and approval. 

So at first, she thought, "Well, I really have an Anxious Attachment," and then I pointed out to her, "Well, you only have an Anxious Attachment when the other person is more Avoidant than you are. When they're unavailable, they're not good for you; that's when you have an Anxious Attachment. If someone else comes in with an Anxious Attachment, you immediately turn Avoidant, and you push them away.

Now, this is a quick introduction to Attachment Theory and into this pattern and what it looks like, and why people are struggling to make that commitment and feel what they want. This is an introduction to the reality of this pattern and how common it is. I can't solve all of this for her in one session, and I can't do it for you in one session. It's a process where she needed to slowly make a paradigm shift into a different view of what she's really looking for, and it needed to be built first on what her core values were. Does she value peace? Does she value her religious background? Does she value intensity and attraction or athleticism? What is it that she wants and is looking for? I've got to get her to identify those core values and prioritize that as part of her journey, and then I also need to familiarize her with the idea that lasting love is a skill. Love is a choice, and lasting love is a skill, and so is attachment, creating secure attachments, and communicating in a way that takes the pressure off so that I'm not pushed away by somebody because they're actually calling me, texting me, and want to see me, and it's such a turnoff. Even though it's within reasonable limits, I'm immediately turned off when they're pursuing me. But as soon as I haven't heard from them, now I'm excited, and I'm wondering why they haven't called. I want the guy who's not available. I wanted her to have time to process this idea. 

So I sent her home with reading material from the Lasting Love Academy, and audios and videos. It was a couple of hours of material I wanted her to listen to so that when she came back, she would have the privilege of processing those ideas, getting familiar with them, and seeing how they relate to her. Then when she comes back for the next visit, I'd be able to process those details and build on what felt right and rang true for her. 

This is the beginning of her thinking differently and, most importantly, taking more personal responsibility for what she's doing and why she's doing it with increased insight and truth that would guide her. So that when it came to doing the hard things, which is real life, real people, and real love, she would feel more committed to doing the hard things, and staying with it because she really believed in the principles that she was basing this on and the values she was basing it on. 

The reality is, the more deeply you sacrifice, the more deeply you love. And although she was kind to the people she was dating, she really did the minimum amount necessary to be in the relationship because she didn't want to further entrap herself in the relationship. So she would keep them at arm's length and just do that bare minimum to make them happy enough, but never enough to really sacrifice and love them like she did for the bad boy. 

If you can relate to this story, and you can see portions of this, the emotions, the story, the detail in your own life, in the life of a friend or family member, someone that you know, or are at work, please share this information with them. Send them this podcast. Let them know that we do consultations. And we can help them to identify the patterns that they're experiencing at the LastingLoveAcademy.com. 

One of the things that I promised is that each week I would be featuring a part of my real life, real people, and real love story. To relate to this on a personal level, I very much had an Avoidant Attachment in my 20s. Although I only saw it as an Anxious Attachment. I say now it was Avoidant because I wasn't actively engaging, being vulnerable, and risking in my dating experiences. But I didn't really know how to do that. And I also got frustrated and struggled with the fact that the guys I thought were really great guys weren't pursuing me aggressively. But it was the other guys who were somewhat questionable, both in how they treated me or their lifestyle choices; it was those guys who were somewhat questionable, that were the ones who were the most positive in terms of the things that they would say or how they would be more aggressive about pursuing me. And so I also felt frustrated by the fact that I felt trapped into dating the kind of guys who were not as good or ideal because the others weren't pursuing me. 

It wasn't until after I went through a bad experience. And you'll learn more about that in a future podcast, that I realized there's a difference between what healthy men are looking for. And the kind of encouragement that they need from a woman in order for them to pursue. It is because of their empathy and the ability to see another person's feelings, rights, and needs and to care about how their behavior might make someone feel uncomfortable. It is because of this empathy that they actually need a woman to encourage them more. A woman needs to take more responsibility and be warm, clear, confident, feminine, and direct in a way that makes him want to pursue her and to feel that she is interested in him pursuing her. Men are often looking for women who are approachable and appear to be available. And if you're sending body language, that is actually more of a push-away message, they get the hint, and they stay away. Unfortunately, this means that it leaves women oftentimes in the hands of the men who dismiss and ignore what she's doing and saying, and they pursue her anyway, which makes her feel wanted and important, but by the wrong kinds of guys. So as I learned later in my journey, how to communicate and encourage in a more warm, playful way and by taking some reasonable risks. 

That's how I learned how to marry a good man. This is the title of the first book I wrote nearly 17 years ago, Want to Marry a Good Man? Here's How!, and was the beginning of the transformation I made into doing dating and relationship coaching. That book is no longer available in print, but I do have many other more current books, so please check out the LastingLoveAcademy.com. 

There are so many ways that the Lasting Love Academy will help you to have a life and love-changing experience and for as little as $27 a month. You really have nothing to lose and so much to gain. 

Please check in next week for more real life, real people, and real love stories. We talked last week about Jeremy this week about Jana. Next week, we'll be talking about Tim and Tara, and I'll be providing additional updates on the journey that Jeremy and Jana are having. 

And if you'd like to get immediate updates on when these podcasts are available, please be sure to subscribe to my channel so that you can be immediately notified. I look forward to you joining me then, and please remember to share this podcast with others. 

This is Alisa Goodwin Snell with the Lasting Love Podcast. All rights reserved by the LastingLoveAcademy.com. 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai