Attachment is an essential human need.

From birth until death, we need each other. For good or bad, our early experiences imprint attachment patterns upon us. Whether we experience secure attachments or traumas, these can define our perceptions and reactions to others, making us trusting, vulnerable, or suspicious. However, independent of our past experiences, we will continue to long for a secure attachment until we achieve this connection (through friends, family, or romantic relationships). We simply can not thrive emotionally or physically for very long without them.

After rejection, loss, abuse, or betrayal, we may convince ourselves that we are more empowered when alone. We may be surprised by our unexpected indifference when with others, but inwardly, we desire connection and trusting relationships and will continue to seek them.

Unfortunately, creating secure attachments and belonging has become harder in our modern world. People are more isolated than ever. Thus, you need to know that your anxious or avoidant attachment challenges are not a sign that something is wrong with you. They are a reflection of your history, but they do not define you or your future. You may feel trapped on the anxious and avoidant roller coaster, but you can escape it. You are not so different from other people. You are not the exception to the rule. What others have, you can, too.

It is not your destiny to be rejected, passionless, or lonely and powerless to change this outcome. You can change your fears, relationships, and future. Rather than an up-and-down, high-and-low, back-and-forth relationship pattern,  You can create a secure attachment, which is one continuous loop (so to speak) of steady, consistent, predictable, reliable, and emotionally balanced experiences.

To achieve this outcome, you need to understand attachment theory, what drives anxious and avoidant attachment challenges, and how to identify partners who are willing to engage in secure behaviors with you.*   

Anxious versus avoidant attachment

Common scenarios that illustrate anxious and avoidant attachment patterns include a man or woman who frequently calls, texts, or encourages a date (evidence of an anxious attachment) to which their potential partner may unconsciously experience more apathy or decreased attraction (evidence of an avoidant response). Or a spouse who feels unappreciated for all they do to please their partner and grows indifferent to their partner's complaints (evidence of avoidant feelings and behaviors) until their partner's nagging (evidence of anxious feelings and behaviors) can’t be ignored.

Of course, the anxious partner will rightfully argue the opposite. It is only the indifference and passiveness of the avoidant partner that makes them feel the insecurity and anxiety behind their nagging. 

The solution to this pursue/withdraw dance is for both parties to learn how to recognize when they’re acting anxious or avoidant and to choose behaviors that are available, responsive, and emotionally engaged instead. This can be challenging if they don’t understand the 4 Things that Drive Anxious and Avoidant Attachments and how these things are affecting them, their partner, or the singles community (which is full of such issues).

It is natural for those who are anxiously attached to see themselves as innocent victims who are being wronged by their partner’s passive behaviors. But it is important to steer clear of the all-too-common trend of criticizing the avoidant. If a parent died and had two children, one might grieve openly and seek comfort from others, while the second might withdraw, act out, or become disengaged from others. Does that mean the second does not love and miss their parent?

Those who respond to stress with avoidant emotions and behaviors still have attachments. They may disconnect emotionally, but they rarely know why or how to stop it. They try to go through the motions, do the right thing, and engage, but they just can’t make themselves feel the emotions they think they should feel. This makes them feel like victims, too.

Those who struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment patterns in dating or relationships need to know there is hope; these patterns can be changed. They just need to know what to do and how to do it.

Fortunately, we have become EXCEPTIONALLY good at helping those who struggle with Avoidant Attachment to resolve their doubts and get married. In fact, this is one of our primary client populations.   

Avoidant attachment

It shouldn't be surprising that everyone, including those who report feeling indifferent about marriage, will say that they want to love and be loved. Nevertheless, when presented with a real person, some singles will regularly experience relentless disconnection, apathy, and quick disregard for a potential partner, even when the person is relatively attractive and compatible. Some of this is normal for all people, but those with an avoidant attachment pattern will assume that such feelings mean that a relationship or partner is wrong for them. They may explain their apathy by focusing on the other's flaws, differences, or unattractive physical features and quickly forget or dismiss any past or present evidence of meaningful attachment. 

However, even when they are excited about someone, it rarely lasts for more than a few months before their concerns and doubts begin to distance them again. Thus, the real problem isn't their potential partners but the emotional disconnection that unconsciously floods them.

Feelings of indifference and disconnection, fears of being stuck or trapped, and concerns over attraction, compatibility, and whether they want to be with their partner are common challenges for those who have an avoidant attachment pattern. They will blame their lack of passion on their date or partner and state that they will have no problem committing when they feel the needed excitement that will help them to sacrifice deeply. when with the right partner. Only then will the relationships feel easy and natural. If they have to force themselves to take action, the relationship must be wrong.

Others may accuse them of looking for a unicorn, but they often argue that there are plenty of exceptional men or women who fit what they desire. Unfortunately, these individuals are in a relationship or don't feel the same for them, but they would rather wait for the right person than settle.

Often, time will have to pass, along with several real (or potentially) good relationships, before the avoidant person will believe that the problem might be them, too. They are not trying to be difficult, and they are not indifferent about getting into a relationship. They feel lonely and do want companionship. They just don't feel what they think they should feel or have felt before (whether from unrequited love, a former partner, or a tumultuous relationship). Committing to a relationship without these feelings makes them fear they'll miss out on something better. They (and their partners) are often smart, socially skilled, kind, and responsible. If they could make themselves feel stronger emotions, they would be willing. They don't know what's wrong or why the relationship doesn't feel right. And they don't know what to do to change this. 

Fortunately, we have become EXCEPTIONALLY good at helping those who struggle with Avoidant Attachment to resolve their doubts and get married. In fact, this is one of our primary client populations.   

Take the following self-test to discover your attachment patterns and be connected to the 4 Reasons You Act Anxious or Avoidant (and how to change this).

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

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Together, they are industry leaders with passion and an innate ability to clearly see the obstacles that prevent a person from succeeding in their dating and relationship pursuits. Alisa and Todd do so without any of the fluff and hype that's so prevalent in the industry today. Just tried and true techniques—For Real People, Real Life, Real Love! These techniques have benefited thousands of singles, couples, and families for over 30 years! They will help you, too!

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