Do you tend to worry about whether you can get or keep this relationship?

Do you doubt your date or partner’s interest in you?

Do you frequently analyze what they’re doing, saying, texting, or Facebooking about for hidden messages or meaning?

Do you become anxious and assume the worst when you don’t hear from them immediately?

Do you frequently feel hurt by their behaviors, choices, time with others, and hobbies, or worry you’re not a priority?

Do your moods revolve around what your partner is doing and saying that day?

Do you frequently fear they are losing interest in you, cheating on you, or about to break up with you?

Do you feel a strong attraction and need for the relationship?

Do you feel preoccupied with where the relationship is going or engage in frequent conversations about commitment?

Do you worry your partner is more attractive, desirable, special, or unique than most people? Thus, you can’t afford to lose them.

If TWO OR THREE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You may struggle with moderate anxiety in your dating or relationships.

If FOUR OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You probably have an anxious (rather than secure) attachment to your partner or those you want to date. This may be due to their behaviors in the relationship or because you have an underlying pattern of feeling and acting this way in many relationships. You may feel a strong attraction and desire for the other person, but this attachment is an insecure one. You may need and depend on the other’s love, validation, and attention to feel okay about yourself. You may be consumed by what the other thinks, how they feel, and what they’re doing or saying. This creates cycling dependence on your partner as a way of managing your anxiety and insecurities. Your partner’s passiveness undoubtedly reinforces your fears and insecurities, making it difficult to stop this pattern. Fortunately, you can break the cycle, both independently and as a couple, if you know what to do.

Do you suffer in silence rather than expressing your feelings and needs?

Do you read books, talk with others, and analyze your behaviors, texts, or conversations for clues to what you did wrong or how to handle situations more perfectly?

Do you excuse their misdeeds, selfishness, or neglect rather than speak up?

Do you minimize your feelings and needs or have difficulty expressing opinions and saying no for fear of what might happen?

Do you act excessively available and accommodating, make everything easy, apologize quickly, or jump in to help or fix their problems?

Do you worry about looking needy, appearing desperate, or being high maintenance (even though you rarely make requests or get upset)?

If TWO OR THREE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. In this case, you may have a perfectionistic inclination when managing your anxious feelings.

If FOUR OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You may believe that acting perfectly, making things easy or uncomplicated, and meeting their needs are the best ways to secure their commitment and love. Unfortunately, this is not true. It is not your sacrifice, service, and hard work that makes them love you; it is theirs. Being excessively available, accommodating, and quick to please does not make others respect and value you. Instead, it makes you vulnerable to the too-nice, just-friends, good-for-now, and enabling traps that allow others to take you for granted. You can gain the love, respect, and investment of others, but to do this, you’ll need to ask more from them, not less. You can do this in a positive and faith-based way (rather than through nagging or being critical).

Do you feel that your partner is too passive? If you don’t take action, nothing will get done.

Do you call and text frequently, ask when you’re going to see them next, drop in unexpectedly, or try to spend all of your time with them?

Do you get upset and express frustration when they don’t respond quickly to calls and texts or make time for you?

Do you have difficulty relaxing or calming down until you have expressed your frustration through text, phone, or in person?

Do others accuse you of complaining, criticizing, or nagging over small acts of thoughtlessness?

When you aren't feeling connected, do you rely on kissing and affection as a way to help you feel better?

Have you done or said things you regret later in the heat of the moment?

Have you threatened to break up in anger and frustration or in an attempt to get them to engage more?

If TWO OR THREE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You tend to engage in pursuit behaviors as a way of managing your anxious feelings.

If FOUR OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You probably struggle to control your anxiety when you’re not with them, and you feel getting upset is the best way to motivate them to take action. You probably fear they aren’t fully committed or invested in the relationship, and you tend to rationalize, minimize, excuse, or ignore their problems (even though you periodically nag them about their behaviors). Because you care and invest the most in the relationship, you often feel vulnerable and powerless. Nagging or criticizing may make you feel powerful, but it usually includes empty threats you're not ready to act on. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, if they lack Empathy, Self-control, and Personal responsibility (E.S.P.), your efforts will not make them love you or cause them to engage fully in the relationship. Until you learn to step back so they can step forward, you'll continue to be the over-responsible one who inadvertently supports their irresponsibility. It is only through being warm, clear, and direct that you'll discover how emotionally mature, responsible, and invested they really are. This can not be changed through criticism or nagging. Faith, patience, and boundaries are far more powerful than these (but only if your partner has E.S.P. and values you and the relationship enough to invest). If not, you need to know they are not your only chance for happiness. You can have a secure relationship with someone who will match your efforts.

Do you question whether or not you want to date or be in your relationship?

Do you feel numb, stuck, frozen, or indifferent when on dates or with your partner?

Do you feel you are going through the motions in dating or your relationship but not feeling the emotions that you think you should feel for a date or partner?

Do you tend to react to others or passively fall into relationships rather than actively participating?

Do you struggle to feel attraction for most singles or your partner?

Do you fear settling, missing out on something better, or getting trapped in the wrong relationship?

Do you find yourself thinking about your ex or comparing your dates or partner to others?

Do you struggle to enjoy the moment and just relax because the other person might assume you’re more into them than you are or they may expect more commitment afterward?

Is it hard to consistently feel excited about the relationship (sometimes you think they’re amazing, and other times you only see their flaws), making it difficult for you to trust your feelings?

Do you feel a strong need for alone time and/or feel indifferent about when you’ll see them again?

Do you often engage in a relationship out of duty, obligation, or fear?

Do you say yes when you want to say no, hold grudges (that others don’t know about), hint to but deny your anger, or use sarcasm to express how you really feel?

Do others have to pressure you before you’ll open up, be vulnerable, or share your feelings and needs?

Do you tend to be passive about planning dates, seeking time with them, doing things for them, or having difficult conversations?

Does the idea of not dating or breaking up seem like a relief?

Do you struggle with a strong desire to flee or end the relationship (even though you know your date or the relationship is foundationally good)?

Do you feel more excited and attracted to those you can’t date or keep relationships with while feeling indifferent about the ones you can?

Do you feel preoccupied with the need to feel excited and passionate about someone (because you feel only then you’ll really want to work on a relationship)?

If THREE OR FOUR of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You probably feel shame to admit these feelings but relieved to know you’re not the only one.

If FIVE OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select his box, too. You might have convinced yourself that the problem isn’t you, it’s the relationship or the other person. You might believe that you wouldn’t feel this way if they were more attractive, compatible, smart, educated, fun, healthy, active, religious, social, outgoing, happy, confident, positive, etc. These assumptions result from your best guesses about why you aren’t feeling the connection you think you should be feeling. You’re not aware of the thinking errors and situational triggers that are driving your disconnection, but you know you fear settling or getting trapped in the wrong relationship. This makes you anxious about working on a relationship when you can’t shake the feeling that if it were right, it would be natural, organic, and easy. The idea of having to force yourself to date or be in a relationship makes it feel wrong. You long to feel a strong and powerful desire for a relationship (like you’ve felt when anxiously attached in the past), but even when initially excited, the feelings often fade within weeks or months (leaving you once again with doubts about your interest, attraction, or compatibility with your partner). Although many singles and couples feel the emotions they desire are beyond their control, the good news is this is not true. You can unlock your feelings, engage fully, and gain the confidence and passion you desire.

Do you worry about doing the right thing?

Do you consider other’s feelings before you take action, even to the point that you often struggle to take action?

Do you labor over making decisions, worry about the ramifications of small choices, and feel dependent on other’s validation?

In your past, did you struggle with one or more episodes of severe anxiety, concerns over germs, contamination, religious worthiness, unwanted or distressing thoughts, etc.?

Do you feel shame and regret about past actions or how you might have hurt others unintentionally, to the point that you often struggle to move on or forgive yourself?

Are you conscientious about being a good citizen, son, daughter, friend, employee, student, boss, parent, church member, etc.?

Do you struggle to communicate your feelings, express your doubts, make commitments, end relationships, or say no?

Do you feel a compulsive need to confess your lack of feelings, concerns over attraction, or worries about incompatibility?

If THREE OR FOUR of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You probably have a perfectionist approach to managing anxiety that is actually driving you to shut down and disconnect emotionally (often before you realize it).

If FIVE OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. Your underlying anxiety may be severe enough to get you caught in obsessional thinking that locks in on either attraction or a flaw in your partner or the relationship. Because you shut down emotionally, you may be convinced you do not have a connection to your partner. You may go through the motions, treat them respectfully, and do your part, but they don’t realize how disconnected you are (or you may feel a compulsive need to talk about your lack of feelings frequently). After breaking up, you usually feel relief, but weeks or weeks or months later, you often find yourself missing them and reconsidering the relationship. The problem isn’t your connection; it’s your underlying anxiety. Perfectionism inadvertently feeds anxiety rather than resolving it. It also interferes with you identifying what you truly value and want. You need to learn how to address the anxiety, set boundaries, express your feelings, and become more vulnerable. Only then will you be able to truly let them in.

Do you struggle to feel interested beyond one or two dates?

Are you the one who usually breaks up, stops calling, or disappears?

Do you avoid involving dates or partners in your life (or becoming involved in theirs), such as introducing each other to family, friends, co-workers, church members, etc.?

Do you break up or walk away when issues come up, the relationship becomes somewhat complicated, they express their feelings or needs, or they want more commitment?

Do you struggle to tell them you’re upset, hurt, or angry (instead, you walk away, don’t call, use sarcasm, or make personal attacks)?

Do you lose interest or flee after sexual contact?

Do you resist getting advice from friends and family about dating or relationships?

Do you break up over small issues?

Do others consider you to be a player, user, or someone who has commitment issues?

Do you like the chase but not the catch?

If THREE OR FOUR of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You probably tend to withdraw or run when relationships get uncomfortable.

If FIVE OR MORE of the answers above describe you, select this box, too. You may be inadvertently controlling the relationship by being the person who cares the least controls about the relationship. By caring the least, others can’t hurt you, you aren’t vulnerable or dependent on them, and you can walk away before things get hard or messy. However, you also have none of the benefits of loving relationships. Of the anxious, avoidant, and secure, the avoidant person has the most control. However, power through passiveness, withdrawal, silence, resentment, and unexpressed feelings or needs means no one ever wins, including you. When secure relationships are the goal, everyone wins, and lasting love becomes possible for you both. In some cases, you may have felt trapped in a relationship that took you weeks and months (or years) to end because you were so into them, feared hurting them, or felt it was your duty to stay. To prevent getting trapped again, you may avoid dating, showing interest, involving others, or making commitments until you’re absolutely sure you’re interested (which rarely happens). Unfortunately, this cautious approach keeps you passive, which also makes you feel passionless. An avoidance approach will never make you or your partner truly happy. When you actively engage (share, take risks, sacrifice, and stay connected when things are hard), you feel strong emotions. You know this is true because, on occasion, you’ve felt excited about someone and have been willing to risk it all. Often, these people were not good for you or to you because they lack Empathy, Self-control, and Personal responsibility (E.S.P.); however, if you choose to engage and stay engaged (with people who have E.S.P.), it will be worth it. Your emotions will bend to your choices because, in many ways, love really is a choice.